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' T ' Traits

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(Kid in a sweet shop/ Cyclic dressing and purging)

 Kid in a Sweet Shop!

So your partner dresses and having had a short while to get used to it, you have decided it's not the end of the world. For some women, to find at that point that they have the equivalent of an unruly teenager on their hands can be a bit of a shock!

Don't get me wrong, this doesn't always happen, but after spending what might have been most of a lifetime hiding their transvestism, perceived transvestism, transsexualism or even simple cross dressing from everyone and feeling guilty, ashamed and terrified of being found out, a T who has finally "come out of the closet" and discovered the world hasn't ended after all may allow this new situation to go to his head a little. New-found acceptance can, and often does, lead to an upsurge in confidence and a desire to see how far one can go. We call this "Kid-in-a-sweetshop syndrome".

When my partner, (who is a male-to-female transsexual), first told me that she dressed, the dress sense, shall we say, left a fair bit to be desired! And that's quite typical of a T who's always kept their dressing a secret and has had to experiment in secret with clothes and make-up. Under those circumstances, clothes and cosmetics have to be bought opportunistically and secretly, and hidden away.

So you may find that in the new found atmosphere of acceptance, your partner may wish to experiment with clothes and make up. I have lost count of the times over the years a partner has said to me "He is dressing in a really age- inappropriate style"! But given time and understanding, your partner will develop his female persona and become less of an eyesore. A little patience and some uncritical advice and help in this situation can work wonders. After all we were all teenagers once too! I can vividly remember being useless at applying make up and wearing some right dogs' dinners in my time, still do ;-) .....

Playing with clothes and make up is all good and well, but some do want to push further. Years ago there wasn't the variety and opportunity that there is today. With the web so accessible, like-minded friends are just a click away.

Your T partner may want to meet and get to know others like himself, and this can be really helpful to him. You may even find that you enjoy it too.

The problem comes in when sexuality becomes an issue.

There is a popular misconception that all T's are gay men in denial, which is not true at all! Many TV's are straight, some are gay, and there is also a good proportion of TVs who are bisexual. For further information about TVs and Sexuality, and Transsexuals and Sexuality, see the other articles on this various sections of the site.

Online sites can represent the worst of this and give you the impression that your partner will be off out playing around behind your back. Generally this is not the case, especially if you and your partner have a strong and loving relationship. There are those however, who do question their sexuality and seem to go off the rails.

Partners are often very distressed about this sort of behaviour. Whilst they love their partner, they can almost be prepared to put up with anything to keep him. That is a personal choice.

If your partner's desire to explore his sexuality would distress you to the extent that it would damage or even destroy your relationship, spell that out and do it at the earliest point you can. The one thing that is often said is "Give them an inch and they take a mile"!

Make sure you set your boundaries as your partner will quite often push you. If everyone knows where they stand life is so much simpler!

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Cyclic Dressing and Purging

A word about Cyclic dressing and purging. Cyclic dressing is a very common theme among the transgendered.

For those who have limited experience of transgendered people, it can come as a bit of a shock!
Due to the nature of transvestism, crossdressing and transsexualism and given society's negative attitudes towards them, many transgendered people experience self-disgust and revulsion at different points in their lives.

During such a period, they may destroy all their female attire or simply pack it away. This is known as "purging".
There seems to be a scale, which can range from throwing everything away, vowing never to dress again and refusing all attempts at discussion, to packing things away and having a temporary break from dressing.

This is not helped by the stereotypical constraints imposed by a society which doesn't tolerate those who are different.

He may be feeling he is being unfair to you and must be the man in your partnership.

He may feel that being T can be controlled or switched on and off to suit.

Many T's have purged, got married and tried to forget that side of themselves. Generally (and I can only generalise) once a TV always a TV to some degree or other. Transvestism can be a means to relax, to comfort themselves almost, and if he decides to purge you might be left with a grumpy bloke, with not a frock in sight!

Many T's purge throughout their lifetimes, and TS women, during the transitional period, may also display similar unrest. Many TS women have married, truly believing themselves to be TV.

There is little you as a partner can do during such an episode other than keep things normal and offer reassurance and love as best you can. It is a very hard subject to bring up, "Why are you no longer dressing?"

  © Transpartners 2008

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